Standing In The Rain

November 25, 2012 § Leave a comment

The thought of getting older and older, the thought of losing your loved ones, the thought of knowing nothing lasts forever were starting to smear across the atmosphere. I have been feeling lost lately. Mixed emotions equals to me. I’m kind of feeling astray, half numb, empty (?) and alone. No surprise most of the time I’m not khusyuk when performing my solat.

Is it normal when most of the time now, I have been doing some deep thinking. Growing up wasn’t exciting like how I thought it was. When I’m older, I expected that I could do whatever I want. Sadly, this is no more a child fantasy. I’m living in reality now. Reality which society nowadays is so fucked up. People these days are like a pot calling the kettle back. Maybe I am not allowed to say that since I’ve did criticize someone, a group of people but I have come to the realization that you need to put yourself in one’s shoe before you’re allowed to do so.

I’m sick and tired of trying to be good, trying to do good deeds. Because at the end of day, it’s not worth the time. Pointless and worthless. I’m sick of trying to satisfy everyone. I’m sick of pleasing everyone. Whatever I do, people will always define me based on my past. People won’t see the good that I have accomplished. They have already set this image, this statement “She’s screwed up.”

Second chances always come and I am given one. I want to change, I really do. I want the best not just for me but also for everyone else. But I can’t do that if you people kept on trying to bring me down. Not to brag but I am aware of how strong I am emotionally but do open your eyes, I have my limits too. Aren’t you supposed to encourage me, those like me to change to someone better?  Isn’t that what men supposed to do? Lend a helping hand to those who need? Be there through thick and thin? We breathe the same air, we live in the same planet, we’re created equally then why is it so hard to just make a simple move? Did humanity died without us realizing it? Tell me.

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