Sweet Disposition

February 10, 2013 § Leave a comment

I find my thoughts preoccupied with the same unanswered question. No matter what, my heart just kept coming back to you. Ah you. The first time I saw you haha I feel like laughing describing my situation on a blank page. It seems ridiculous but not that impossible. “Love at first sight.” I doubt it at first and I’m second guessing about it now. Perhaps it does happened. It can actually happen. No one can explain to me nor understand exactly what I’m going through here. Only He does and I pray to him, asking for guidance, signs, patience and strength about this. I just can’t put my finger on it. All I know is that I feel I’m home whenever the name or his image crossed my mind. Oh don’t get me wrong. He’s not the significant other (well not yet haha) and obviously not someone I know. He’s just well a well-known person. A singer. Ah, I bet you who’s reading this surely think that this is just a typical feeling/situation of an obsessed fan. Well I beg to differ because I am not obsessed with him more or less crazy about him. Ok to cut the long story short, the first time I saw him on tv I knew I just knew that he’s the one. Yes him. Call me insane but I do not understand it either. It has been 3 years now, waiting with anticipation. We met once yes, from your concert I went last year. Though I could sense my hopes are getting dimmer and dimmer but it won’t fade. It couldn’t and wouldn’t. Explain to me why I’m feeling this way. Explain to me why my mood can change in instant because of you. Explain why that I believe someday I’ll get to see you again and on that time, you’ll be someone important in my life. Explain to me why I feel like home when I think of you. Explain to me why I could see sadness and sorrows and happiness just by looking at your photos? Explain to me why I could feel the mixed emotions in your insides and just feel almost drowning for not be able to help? Explain to me just give me an explanation. I need answers. I need them desperately. Why am I talking about this again? Is it because I’ve made up mind that I should stop this nonsense? Is it because that part of me convinced the other part that there’s no more hope in it? Is it because I’ve waited too long? Is it because that I’m still here and you’re there yet the universe is not working its power to try to meet us up for the second time? Or is it because I’m tired and confused? Is this what you called ‘soul mates’? Is this it? Yet you and I, we are nothing than just a singer-fan relationship. Ugh. I fear that someday when I found out the reason for what I’m feeling, is not actually what I wanted it to be. I’m scared that what I feel for years will be end up nothing. I fear that you won’t actually walk into my life. I fear that what I’m feeling is just a temporary illness for which I still couldn’t find the cure. I don’t know. I just, sigh I don’t know.

Here, I’ll leave you with a haunting quote that I’ve come across recently.

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